天上的星星是假的。

人嘛，为何总是望天看？
每次看着天，我都是在不快乐的感慨。
我知道人生无偿，太了解。
我也知道不如意，也无奈。
我到底要的，爱的，快乐的，为什么总是得不到。
我要求太高？又不像是。
我难过，天上的星星是假的。
人界没有谁，会能为知己的心愿而活。
我们都受人摆布，太多顾虑的不只有我吧。
我不想在这里，我也不懂可以去哪里。
为什么我要这么累？
上帝，不要太看的起我了。
我很累。

Has to be a rollercoaster ride.

9 Years Old.
The age I started making my first dollar.
I don't mean just taking pocket money from your parents or stealing from them, of cos.
I made 'em money.
With a little help with my 2 recruited sidekicks, of cos.

Well it all started with a machine, where school-going kids get cheated by putting a 50 cent coin in it, hoping to fetch a laser pen by connecting 2 opposite running dots into a straight line.
I was one of the dumb kids.
Upset at the fact of being cheated of the 50 cent I stole from my parents.
Actually I didn't steal. Being hawkers, my parents just have loose change all around the place.
I just took em ok?
I broke the simple code of that 2 red dots, now I fetch a laser pen with every 50 cents.
And I... sold them. In class.
To other brats whose life I never had.
$10 dollars was the highest price one fetched.
I got so successful I roped my sister in.
We were too rich to be children by then.
I was probably making more money than my mother.
Until we got busted. The teacher should have seen the entrepreneur in me then.
The money went to buying cute little hamsters, one which was named Ham Ham.

Then there was the mix vege rice stall.
I worked for 5 dollars a day until the day my mother drove me in her mini van to collect my PSLE results, I think that was probably the first time she brought me to school.
My grades aren't superb, but good enough to be labelled ''Best improvement from idiot to genius'' and I took a photo with Tony Tan for that.

Then I grew into my teens.
Even better.
You know why I'm always the richest kid in class?
I earned the money in the Internet Relay Chat room.
Where kids of my age frequented, I found a way to make money out of them.
I made so much money, my sister and I (Partners-in-crime) each own a cool 300 bucks MP3 that was shaped like an egg.
I was 15 then.
I definately made more money than my father then lol.

That was also the year I met Albert, the man I thought I was going to marry.
Thinking back about the relationship always brings a mixed feeling of regrets, happiness and silly dreams.
Like erm, dreaming of dropping out of school.
After the relationship ended, the dreams went out the windows and I was on the streets with them friends, doing what delinquents like ourselves did.
Of cos, Albert led a completely different life from me since then.
And I never got into another relationship.
Unless u considered Eric.
Who made me wanna die.... die of boredom of cos.
Somedays I still miss those eyes, sparkling with mischief as he borrows my vision.
Somehow, great minds think alike.

Now what Katty, whats the next big plan?
I will myself to find a way out of this mess.
I know I'll get out of it, you just have to give time, time.

God never gives us more than what we are designed to carry.
Damn He must have thought too highly of me.

Are we ever gonna learn to fly?

I found the perfect word to describe my life.
In turmoils.
Wad else did I expect.
I feel totally defeated as I look in the mirror and saw someone else look back.
I don't think a good life is meant for losers like myself.

There are many times I tried to pick myself up.
Sometimes I succeed, but the all strength and determination then sizzles off.
Then I tried again.
I know when I'm put in a situation, I gotta get out of the situation.
I know I must be strong, find out why things are as such, and I'll carry on.
But wad if this time, I couldn't.
I don't know how.

I went to the extent of self-talk, don't matter where I'm.
I cannot be so defeated, I don't really know myself anymore.
I guess I was put into too many unfamilarities all at one go.
I didn't handle them well enough.
Or maybe I ain't good enough for the entire whirlwind of events God put me through,
And maybe I thought I can handle all that pressure but I've already crumbled.

I'm tired.
I slumped at the edge, trying to figure out if all these unfortunate events one after another warrants a death certificate.
It doesn't help that I don't wanna talk to anyone.
It doesn't help that there is no one to talk to.
Its a bad year.
And the coming one doesn't look good either.

If I don't die, there must be a reason to live.

Exhausted

I made a HUGE mistake, again.

Seems like being 19 was a jolly fun time for me.
Because it was then that I had a most beautiful vision of myself in the coming years of my life.
The year after I last went to school.
School, is just not for extraordinary assholes like myself.
School is plain dumb.
I was selling mixed vege rice in the mornings, and doing odd jobs here and there.
Giving tuition was like the most relaxing portion of my day.
Otherwise I'll be at York Hotel, serving food and stealing food.
Most of the money I had went into this big MLM plan named BelAir.
That was the first mistake of my life.

Undeterred at the fact that I'm not born a businesswoman, there's Herbalife.
Yes, the David Beckham T-shirt name.
Yes another mistake that cost me maybe a few months of serving and stealing food at York Hotel and the mixed vege rice stall and the many blks around Yishun I roamed for tuition assignments.
I even went to work as a temp at Singpost.
Then there was this Gold Rush scheme.
I failed.

Then suddenly at the constant persuasion of my mother I went to sign on the Air Force.
And all the fun ended.

Now there is The Bookmakers Code, where I can beat the bookies by analysing the soccer odds.
Supposedly.
Say goodbye to me for the next year.

I hestitate at the thought of serving food and stealing food again.
But I rather not be the beggar who deems the street too long to beg and rather starve to death.
Like my grandmother ( I like to quote her nowadays ) said.
If the shit isn't smelly, eat it.

But whats different from being 24 and 19 is not just 5 years.
I went on to find out why.
Why the fuck would I want to always become rich when I don't really think money is a big issue?
I don't mind giving anybody a treat here and there, spending all my money on Xmas gifts for everybody else.
I used my entire savings and begged from my friends for 600 dollars when I was 17 so I can secretly help someone get an abortion.
I was that fucking kapo.
Why didn't I just say 'er I dunno leh'?
I can't.
Of cos the reason is a secret, if not what.

My life nowadays is total shagged burnt out.
Being a prawn noodles seller isn't alot of fun.
Waking up at 5am isn't any fun at all.
Making 350 dollars for the entire month is totally not cool.
I'm dead tired, but I will find a way out of the mess I've made.
One more time.

If what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, I rather die.
( Joke la )

Too young to die

I think there's an age limit to suicide.
Somehow, its not 24.

The sky is brightly lit, and the crows are making a hell of a noise.
I thought about life for the past 7 hours.
All I got are emotions.
Getting higher and more agitating.
I don't get agitated easily nowadays, I don't really have much feelings.
All I want is a little bit of comfort.
Comfort in the knowledge that I'm still me.
That I'm still alive, and that I'll recover from my state of loss.

When u force a human being into a corner there's only 2 reactions.
Its either I fight my way, or I hit the highway.
The highway to hell that is.
Although I'm not pretty sure if I'll go to hell.
I've been good.
I picked the snails from the ground so they won't get run over by cars ok?
That was my childhood hobby.

Im suddenly overwhelmed with fatigue again.
0700H, as always.

The day the sky turned red

Its not funny to be out of a job.
But I already know that before I make my decision.

I've been in and out of sleep, meals at eccentric timings.
My whole body clock is tuned to the football matches in the other parts of planet Earth.
I didn't gamble in the immature thinking that I'll free myself from problems.
I'm always too matured for my age.
I gamble to sustain my free spending lifestyle.
Doesn't justify the eyebags completely though, there are other reasons why I cant sleep.

Like being somehow transported to the 22nd of Aug, 2011.
18:53.
The time where like the movies, the life monitoring machine on my grandmother went into a monotonous single line.
I didn't cry.
I broke down I wailed I shrieked in agony.
I died.

I'm starting to accept the cruel joke God decided to play on me only now.
To compose myself when I wake up in the middle of whatever the time from eccentric nightmares and painful sights.
I thought I was strong, I didn't need voices cajoling me that all is good.
Maybe I need just a little more time.
Maybe, but definately.

Then come the ORD today.
I submitted my resignation 4 days before the forlorn date so I haven't been thinking much about what will happen to me.
I spent all my savings, which is not much really, on the aftermath.
I'm staring at a blank piece of paper.
A fresh start, except the fact that I don't know where to begin.

Maybe I can start by finding a temp job.
But that wouldn't be much fun.
Really, I'm still looking for fun.
I think of the arduous journey ahead of my life and I want alcohol.
One morning this week, I shall sit down with a cuppa cafe latte and give the future a little of my time.

Its difficult to heal, even with my personality.
Even with the prostitute attitude, which really means I don't give a fuck.

I will pull through, I'm Katty the dumb bitch.

Being Katty

Time ticks, and tickles by.


I'm inching closer to The Big Day, although now I'm unsure if its gonna be Dooms Day instead.


3 years and 5 months, my short air force career.


My love hate affair, my playground, my reason to wake up in the mornings and more reasons not to wake up in the mornings.


I was 21 when I pen the paper upon endless incessant persuasion from my mother.


She was pretty sure I will be a good for nothing who gambles my life away.


Correction. She still is.


I went to Tekong and sulked.


Nobody believed that I can last the BMT days where a sane human being wakes up at 0515 everyday to go jogging.


Most importantly, I did not believe.


I was rebellious, for God's sake.


I dun go to school if I cannot wake up since I was 14.


I rely on nicotine too much and I couldn't bear the sight of one teacher so I threw a duster at him and texted him ''Fuck u''.


My parents, actually just my dad was summoned to the AJC principal's office more than I was.


They did not do it at my secondary school bcos my form teacher then was such an angel.


And anyways I did well for my O levels.


And I can play pool much better than most of my peers.


I hate to wake up in the wee hours of the morning and to boot up my system would take me more nicotine and a nice cafe latte and more alarm snoozes.


But still I boarded the fastcraft to Tekong and sulked.


Bad idea, smarty-pantsy MOM.


The first day I fought with my bunk mates after they said the toilet reeked of nicotine and insisted its my problem.


Most importantly, they dragged me up in the middle of my sleep.


My most vulnerable, defensive time of the day.


I'm pretty sure one of them would need emergency medical attention if I wasn't stopped bcos I'm pretty strong and she's so small in size.


The first few times I ran the morning run I walked.


Who the F wakes up so bloody early to run!?


I refused to sing with the rest I refused to march in line.


The female OC of wherever threatened to put me out of course and the Warrant office banned me from the smoking area for a week.


I was bemused. Who are those people to do that?





But over time I learnt. I learn too quickly I adjusted.


I woke up, I ran I go to field camp I carried my buddy after she fainted on a stretcher.


I sang songs like purple heart I made sure I bloody get in line.


I don't move in a file even if there's this fat fly on my nose.


''Sir de ya'' meant the whole world stops and I better not breathe.


A rank higher than me is someone who deserves the respect and a day more senior than me is a SIR.


I ran faster and faster I begin to realise the wicked sense of satisfaction one gets from rediscovering your personal limits.


I wake up I smile I found joy in carrying an extra jerry can, rolling in the mud together, and they found joy in me.


I passed out, went on to OCS and found even more drive to become an officer of the RSAF.


I worked hard I ran my lungs out for that IPPT Gold Medal.


I studied furiously, topped the class and prayed for that elusive Sword of Honour.


Which could have changed the latter part of my life.





I passed out again, threw my hands in triumph.


My grandmother and grandfather sat with me for the commissioning dinner and we talked about how great I'm gonna become.


We talked about how I'm gonna make tons of money and we are so going to Las Vegas.





I didn't become great, and we didn't go to Las Vegas.








Hmmm I'm suddenly overwhelmed with fatigue, lets continue this post some other time.